After working 5 years in a private probation office, I have some easy advice to offer out to those who may be on probation. To make their time spent easier, more comfortable, possibly help them not extend their stay…
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If you are going to insist on continuing to sell pot, do not bring a pound of prepackaged baggies in your coat, to your probation meeting. Your PO will smell it, search your coat, and you will be arrested.
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If you are going to cheat on your UA (urine analysis – pee in a cup in front of a stranger to prove you’re sober), do not use animal pee… It makes for an awkward conversation at your next meeting… “So, when were you bit by the werewolf?”
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Or your girlfriends… “Congratulations sir, you’re pregnant.”
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Don’t ask if you can drink the left over pee. No one needs to know you’re on that cleanse.
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If you’re going to use a Wizinator (fake strap on penis that pees stored urine), this is not the time to brag. The person testing you has likely seen you test before, an average Asian man does not one day come in with a big black dick.
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Don’t cry during the UA. Neither you nor the tester wants to be there, they can not make anything different. You either pee in the cup or you don’t.
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Peeing in the lobby, on the floor, and on the guy in front of you’s flip-flop/foot, because the long line is annoyingly long, will never go over well in front of the judge.
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Threatening your PO’s life in the testing lobby is not a good idea. The desk staff interacts with the courts daily, likely knows your PO, and may care if they die. They will report you.
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Your ankle monitor did not ‘just fall off’. Ever.
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If you’re on pretrial and arguing incompetents, due to not being able to retain information for more than 5 minutes… Don’t call your mom a bitch while loudly correcting her on your schedule for the following week, during your meeting. Your case manager will report you.
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Don’t ask the staff out to the bar for drinks. Especially if they are supervising your UA’s for alcohol consumption/DUI. They will always say no, and will report you.
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Don’t ask anyone out for a one-night-stand in the lobby of the Probation/UA office. You may never call her back, but you’ll likely see her within a couple weeks in the lobby again. It will be awkward for all.
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If you’re not on probation, chucking a Red Bull can at the front door and screaming ‘Fuck the police!’ is a good way to try to change that.
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Your child is not allowed in here, not to inconvenience you, but because there are pedophiles that come here. Do you want your kid sitting next to a pedophile in the lobby? Why would you want your 7+/- year old to see this shit anyhow? Find a sitter.
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Yes, that’s probably vomit… Or shit.
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If you work in probation, transferring to the half-way house will not make for a friendlier less stressful work environment.
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If you get your girlfriend to take a job as a UA tester, to try to steal your case file from your PO in the same office… Know that even if she makes it that far, before the staff figures out you’re dating, it’s just a hard copy. There’s several different copies in several CJS data bases. All records are recorded in computer systems. All you might accomplish, is needing to replace all the paperwork you provided, proving you’d completed your court ordered classes, community service, and so on… Like seriously… Don’t do this, it’s beyond stupid.
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If you break into the probation office to steal your file, read tip 17; and remember, if all you do is take your file (and maybe set your PO’s desk on fire….), they will know who did it.
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If you break in (tip 17 again), steal your file, some of your friends, and a few random ones, it’s just going to take a little longer to figure it out… But trashing your PO’s office narrows it down.
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If Jesus didn’t want you to pee in a cup on a Sunday, Jesus would have stopped you from driving drunk in the first place. Stop screaming at people who have nothing to do with your being there.
- Jocelyn Johnson
Dirtsa's 